Tuesday, June 23, 2009

On to the big Publisher's Clearinghouse in the sky. Heeeeeeeyoooooo!

"Ed McTheMan"
-Courtney Enlow

Edit: Apparently, Publisher's Clearinghouse was the rival of the company he worked for, but the sentiment remains the same. He was a pop culture icon and he will be forever missed.

Picture created with elements from other sites. I don't remember who I ripped off, but thanks.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Kids These Days...

For reasons unknown to myself, I was listening to the local KISS fm station, during the Ryan Seacrest show. One of the callers was trying to get advice regarding this "really, really great guy" she's dating. She really loves him and says the relationship is headed in a great direction and she wants to marry him and blah blah blah. What she was seeking advice about was his kids. He's got two kids and apparently they're rude, disrespectful monsters and she wants to know how to broach the subject with him.

Personally, if I were in her shoes (read: crazy enough to date a guy who's already got that kind of baggage kids), and his kids acted like that, it'd be a deal-breaker. It's kind of like herpes. That shit is never going away. Like, ever. Kids are forever. If a guy's got nasty kids, he may as well have some incurable STD, because they're both reasons to forget that guy exists.

Nextly, every subsequent caller I heard said that this chick's a bitch and that if they heard anyone say anything negative about their children, they'd have full-custody, etc.

I've dealt with enough kids in the recent past, that I know that these kids probably are brats to the max. I coached swimming for Kindergartners all the way up to high school seniors, so that's a pretty wide cross-section. I'm not saying all kids are total monsters, but a lot are. A lot of parents these days want to be their kids' friends, so when it comes to discipline, they totally fail. What happens, is their kids end up being the bosses and the parents fold to every demand the kids have. When the parents try to actually step up and parent, the kids don't know what to do and typically react something like the picture to the right.

I can promise you right now. When hell freezes over and I do pop out babies, if they act like the kids that this lady is describing, then my husband and I will cease to have kids. It'll be like the movie The Forgotten where people just stop existing. Only instead of the world being oblivious to these people's missing kids and the parents try to figure out what happened, it'd be the opposite. I think the conversation would go something like this:

Friend: Hey, where are the kids?
Us: What kids?
Friend: Huh? Where are your kids? Are they at summer camp?
Us:Um... we don't have kids.
Friend: Yes, you do. ____ and ____...?
Us:You mean Hamish and Trixie? They're our dogs, not our kids. You're not one of those people who considers your dogs your "kids", are you?
Friend: Forget this, you guys are nuts.
Us(to each other):[high five] Yesssssssss!

I'm not saying kids shouldn't have personality or be sassy, etc. But the parents need to teach them when it's ok to do that and when it needs to be reigned in. Parents need to understand that their "perfect little angel" ain't perfect and they need to be the disciplinarians when their kids step out of line. That's what parenting is about. Making sure the person you've created ends up being a good person and not a complete fucking asshole.

To conclude, I'd like to close with a brief open letter to all the parents, grandparents, legal guardians, and future parents of the world,

Please stop caring if the kids in your custody want to be your buddy and focus on making sure they're not complete fuckups when they get older. Kthxbai.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

The People I Work With: Chapter 1: The Grossest Thing In the History of Gross a.ka. "The Buzzening"

For those of you who haven't followed me on Twitter, let me preface this blog post with the following:

I work with the grossest people on the planet.
Ok, that may be kind of an exaggeration, but that's how it feels a lot of the time.

There are lots of people and places I could type for hours about here, but I'm going to narrow it down to the ladies' room.

Because the bathroom I frequent here is above our factory floor, in addition to all the typical icky bathroom noises you hear shop noises (sawing, grinding, and the like).

Other icky-disgusting observences:
  • A woman talking on her cell phone, covering up her poo-poo grunts with "seductive" laughs. (Really)
  • Skid marks that rival a NASCAR race track
  • Smells... the smells...
But today, I observed something so profoundly shocking to me (and everyone I've told thus far) that I am still struggling with it 2 1/2 hours later.

Keep in mind, I don't work for some small company or somewhere like Wal-Mart, where you'd expect the people who work there to be borderline sub-human. Nay, I work for a pretty huge global company. If I've never met you, I can guarantee you've heard their name. You've probably even used one of their products.

So I was in our restroom doing my thing as quickly as possible due to the list above. I hear this buzzing, which I assumed was from the shop floor. I'm washing my hands when I notice that I can still hear the buzzing. It's been too constant to be something happening downstairs. I start pondering what it could be...

Cell phone on vibrate? For this long?
Electric shaver? No there's not that distinctive hair-to-shaver noise...

Then it hits me.

Someone is flickin' the bean. At. Work.

This is the only explanation I could come up with. When I walked over to the door to throw away my paper towels and leave, I look over at the other bank of stalls to see if there's someone else here with me.

The only stall that was shut...(wait for it)... was the source of the buzz.

I had to get out of there.

I... I... still can't really put together all the appropriate adjectives to describe how I feel about this. Horrified, disgusted, shocked, appalled, confused...

Confused more than anything. Is there really anyone here, male or female, who gets your motor running so much that you just have to take care of business while you're on the clock. Seriously? If you get turned on by socially retarded engineer with hygiene issues or middle-aged machinists, then honey, you've got issues.

Stay tuned for more editions of "The People I Work With". Might become a recurring feature.

Friday, May 29, 2009

Dear Perez

Image Source

I make no bones about the fact that I'm a mega-huge fag hag. I am. I love the gays. Drag queens are literally my favorite people in the whole wide world. If I'm down, drag shows fill my inner gay man with rainbow glitter and unicorns and stuff.

I occasionally regularly frequent, as well. Something about the catty bullshit that irritates me about women is fun and sassy coming from a dude who likes other dudes. Perez is a huge proponent of gay marriage, as am I.

However, recently, it seems that he's been demanding that every gay celebrity out themselves. His most recent target is "a glittery alien from planet Fierce" known as Adam Lambert. I'm not a fan of American Idol. I'm pretty sure that it's nearly impossible for me to care less about American Idol. Since he made his explosive debut into the public eye, I've been intrigued by this fascinating spectacle of makeup and spikey hair for the reasons outlined in my first paragraph. It all started with this incredible semi-regular feature on Best Week Ever: Adam Lambert Blingees. It's a combination of my two favo things, drag queens & Blingees. My love for him was confirmed with this stellar interview with Michelle Collins on BWE.

So needless to say, with the pictures of Glambert making out with dudes, dressing in drag, and the relentless pinging of my gaydar, Glambert's a 'mo. However, either because his gaydar is SUPER off or because he wants people to pay attention to him, Perez Hilton is demanding that Glambert out himself.

Look, honey. You posted this photo spread. I'm not really sure what other proof you need. Are you looking for him to be on top of another dude with third guy's schlong in his mouth waving a rainbow flag giving a thumbs up with a basic cable broadcast into every home on the planet with a live, streaming simulcast online before you're happy?

This crazed obsession you have about Adam coming out to the whole world is, quite frankly, fucking obnoxious.

You're a rabid campaigner for gay rights and gay marriage. Bravo. I'm really, truly happy that you're a visible face in the fight for equality. I love that, I really do. Love and commitment are what should matter in a marriage, not genitals. Because what couples do in their bedrooms is no one's business but their own.

But you keep spewing "equality, equality, equality", but you keep putting a crazy magnifying glass with the intensity of the public spotlight shining through it on these people. Eventually someone's going to catch on fire. And so help me GOD, if that someone happens to be Adam Lambert, you'd better watch out, sweetie, because I'm coming after you.

You of all people should understand that coming out is a super personal thing. It's not easy. It seems like all your parrot-like squaking about "Come out! Come out! Baaaaak!" is beginning to hurt your credibility and make people more likely to dismiss you as "that catty, obnoxious queer".

Again, you and I are on the same "marriage & equality for all" team, here. And if I lived in California, I'd be right there picketing with you. I just can't help but feel like your lack of tact & strategy with regards to the things that spew forth from your mouth are doing more harm than good to your cause.

Your demands to have every gay in Hollywood come out are a lot like the communist hearings Joseph McCarthy lead in the 1940s & 50s. Granted, your intent is to celebrate and not condemn, but your blog is no different than those courtrooms. If they don't want to come out, they don't have to.

I've read your site enough to know that you're going to do whatever the hell you want, which is great. I really do admire your courage to say whatever you want, nevermind what anyone else says or thinks. That takes balls. But I really feel that you should take some time to think about the impact your relentless drive to get everyone to join the Gayborhood is having.

Love, hugs, & rainbows,